I hate and love days like these. The kind where I am moody and feel sorry for myself a bit and yet reflective of days past. Today is one of those days where I can't turn off those thoughts. So I thought I better write. It has been a long time and maybe that is why I need to.
Twenty one years ago I had a baby. He came to early and too fast to really give me time to prepare mentally for the loss. I was sad but had a four year old with special needs who required much of me. I held my impatient baby and bid farewell to the dream of two boys. I left him to be cared for by my nurse friends and went home to move forward. I explained to Mikey (as he was lovingly know as till he was eight) that the baby was too small and we left him at the hospital. I thought I had done a great job of explaining that the baby had gone back to Heavenly Father to wait for us.
A month later, I was home in the middle of the day. That was unusual for me as I worked full time everyday 8-5 but I was. Mike and I were doing something and he looked up and said "Mom, today is the day. Right?"
I didn't think anything about it and asked, "What is today buddy?"
"The day we pick up my brother from the hospital."
I was speechless is what I was. I thought I had done this amazing job explaining how his brother wasn't coming home and all he heard was that our baby was too small and we had left him at the hospital...to get bigger. In his four year old mind, one month was sufficient to grow big enough to come home. It didn't seem to matter what I said, he could not be swayed from the plan. In fact the more I talked the more agitated he became and I moved into the grief dimension that I had not allowed myself to go to after I had the baby.
Finally I called Tom and in between sobs, I begged him to come home and help me console our son.
Our son who could not understand why the hospital was going to get to keep his brother.
A year and a week later, Mikey got the baby that we were waiting for but a sister this time. She was beautiful. From her scream that moved all the other babies from the nursery to her mohawk dark brown hair. I was grateful in all ways that a new mother could be grateful that she was there and she was healthy. Twenty years later I realize more everyday what a blessing she is in my life. She was sent to be the best of everything I had potential to be. Amazingly talented and so emotionally strong. I remember saying to someone while I was carrying her that she would either make my life a sleepless act of rebellion or my best friend. She has been both and for that I love my baby girl.
Which brings me to the reason I even had this thought. The other day Tom and I babysat for one of my friends while she was getting pampered. I was reminded of how fast time goes and how my babies are not...babies anymore. I contemplated how I wish that I could go back and be the kind of mom I think I could have been with more time? But then reality hits and I know that there are no second chances. I hope that my babies know how much I loved them as babies. I loved their sweet cheeks and warm kisses. I loved that they looked to me to fix the world as they discovered it.
I was blessed with three extra ordinary babies that were picked just for me and I love them.
