I Wish

There are many things that over my lifetime, I have wished for.
Who hasn't?

But as I get older

although I am fighting that process tooth and nail...

I find that the things that I wish for

involve a process of turning around

and changing

what I did in the past.

Nice wishes but impossible.

I wish I took more pictures.

My children would disagree that I took plenty
but I love to look at the photos I did take

and smile at the memories of those times and places

and little faces smiling back at me.

I wish I had told my friends and family

I loved them more.
I was telling a story about my Grandma Rose (my dad's mother)

the other day and realized that as much as I loved her

I don't think I told her as often as I should have.

This wish includes those who I might not have gotten along with at the time

but learned to appreciate later.

For instance,

years ago when I was a brand new nurse,

I worked with a very old nurse,

Lola Swinyard.

At the time of our employment together,

she constantly "rode" me to do this or that better.

Lola was the kind of old nurse that got to be the head nurse

because people trusted her to get things done.

She believed that nurses

should wear white...white hose, white shoes, white dresses and white caps.

Because they deserved the respect of those they cared for.
I did not appreciate her insightfulness at the time.

I wish I had told her thank you

because I am a better nurse today because of her.

I wish I had been more humble

and given the Lord more credit for all the really amazing things

that have occurred

in my life.

Not all of them have been wonderful or easy.

In fact, most of my life experiences have been difficult

but very rewarding in the end.

In being humble,

I wish I had spoken to Him more.

Mostly in gratitude

but supplicating earnestly for help and direction.

I wish I could forgive more frequently and easily.

Just letting go of the hurt for long enough that I could see better.

I find it very difficult to let go of the wrong

either to me or that I have wronged. To just forgive others and myself.

I know I should do it but struggle with the process.

Here is my biggest wish

I wish I could go back

and hold my children closer and tighter

and whisper in their tiny ears how sweet and dear they are to me.

It was so easy to get caught up in the details of life.

Work, church, household duties, activities...

But now that they are "too big" and "too busy"

I wish that I had held longer when they did crawl on my lap

if only to commit the sweet baby smell to memory

and run my fingers through their soft little people hair

and listen to their uncomplicated and undemanding wants.

I wish I had held their hands
and kissed their cheeks
because now to kiss and hold and even to speak is way too uncool.

And through my wishing,
I learn to hope.

Hope that I can change just enough that I don't feel the need
to go back

and change what I wish

I had done.